In the unlikely event that you’ve been cruising around my site trying to find an older blog post that you wanted to reread, I can tell you that there’s less than a 50% chance that you’ll find it. Why would that be? Well, in a state of hypomania, I deleted more than half of my posts from July, deeming them “not good enough” to be displayed on the site. Some of them had likes and comments, some didn’t.
In this hypomanic state, I decided that I could only allow the cream of the crop of posts to appear in connection with What Do You Do, Again. Not only that, but I made a decision that I was going to post only things that were super creative and approached topics from unusual angles—so much so that I changed the tagline of the site to “A creative look into living with mental illness,” redid the About section, and even edited some of the posts that are still up.
Recently, however, I realized that this was starting to feel limiting. What if I just wanted to post about something that went on or something I was feeling, without putting a “creative” spin on it? That thought process led to my current tagline, “Looking into a Bipolar life.” Because, after all, that’s what this is: I am trying to provide a window into the parts of my life affected by Bipolar Disorder, which is basically all of them.
So, one part of my Bipolar life is thinking that, whatever I do, however good it may be, I Can Do It Better. I can make my posts more creative, more lyrical, more interesting. I can run faster, jump higher, look better, be better.
This desire to be better—to be perfect—has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. And I’m not talking about being better than anyone else, just better than my current self, which, as I’ve always thought of it, is just a temporary, lesser version of what I could be.
But maybe my blog isn’t about being perfect. Maybe it’s about expressing myself, trying out new things, and, ideally, having a positive impact on my readers.
Do you struggle with perfectionism? What do you do to fight that type of thinking?