Sometimes I wonder if it’s my own fault when I’m depressed. Shouldn’t I have seen it coming? And if I did, what if I had acted differently to prevent it from getting worse?
I shouldn’t have crawled back into bed. I shouldn’t have let my mind go “there.” I should have told someone about it sooner. I should have seen it coming.
Ironically, I would never accuse someone else of depression being their fault. I would be empathetic and understanding. I wouldn’t use the words “should have” at all. But when it comes to myself, I still wonder: when could I have stopped this from getting so bad? At what point did I do something wrong?
Maybe I’m not being fair to myself. But isn’t there a point when going too easy on yourself can lead to complacency, to letting yourself get away with things? Is it really okay to congratulate yourself for doing only one thing today?
When it comes right down to it, you just have to remember that when you’re already depressed, the depression pulls you in even deeper. It tells you that not only did you keep his going, you started it; you deserve it. It tells you so many lies that you can no longer distinguish the truth.
So maybe it’s not my fault. But either way, I have to keep fighting.
Do you ever blame yourself for your depression? How do you remind yourself that it’s not your fault?
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